You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
