nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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