It was confusing and full of hummus
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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