Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
