The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you traded sex for a burrito?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
