Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
