Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
