I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
