i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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