is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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