booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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