dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I smell like Dick and happiness
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
