Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Such a big mess for such a small penis
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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