i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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