I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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