You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She told me I should be a condom model.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Can I color on your dick again?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
