Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
