Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
whose ass print is on the piano?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
