dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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