literally had 100 drinks last night.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
