I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
