Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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