I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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