I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
