This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
