Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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