The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
