I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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