I could have mohawked her pubes.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
