We won't sleep together?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
