the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
