His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
