I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Randomize
