Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
