He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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