there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
