im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
