Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
