I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
