Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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