3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
