The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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