The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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