Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
