R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
