Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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