Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
did you just send me my own nude
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
