If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
