The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
