wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
